We are living in a digital world, and I am a digital girl

Madonna still rings true - it is a material world, but things have changed a little bit since her song came out. There are cell phones, laptops, internet, Skype, instant messaging, electronic mail, voice mail and personal data assistants (pda). As a student and young adult, all of these things can be my friend. I can have real time conversations, and I can transfer documents quickly. Decision making happens so much faster.

What has been lost is the authentic face-to-face conversation. I am guilty of having instant message conversations with someone who is 5 feet away from me - in my defense, it's been in the library. Nonetheless, it seems we are becoming more comfortable with communicating via these fragmenting forms of communication. Why are they fragmenting? We can forget there's another human being on the other end of the digital box. We will say things over e-mail we would never say face-to-face. We leave voice mails laying things we know will hurt, but we aren't there to see the hurt it does to hear it. I have been both sender and receiver of this fragmentation, and now I'm rethinking the importance (or role) it will have on the next 30+ years of my life.

A fellow congregant at church asked, "What does Christ want this city to know?" We all thought long and hard about it. I think Christ wants us all to remember we are more than the receptacle of what comes out of these boxes. We are more than objects standing in the way of personal goals. We are more than bodies in the way of the exit off the over-packed bus. We are humans, imago dei, created to be in loving connection with each other.

The church and the ecclesia stand in contrast to this digital world. We gather together and look at each other. We touch hands. We touch common food of bread and wine/juice. We hug. We physically pass peace - we don't download the app! We don't schedule note in the pda to remember to send Jesus something on his birthday. There's something about being in a physically present community that has a rhythm of remembrance that is beautifully opposite what I'm supposed to be doing according to culture.

I am a digital girl. I send e-mails. I use instant messaging. I'm more likely to send a text than cold call a friend. However, I take at least one hour every week to remember this is not how it has to be. That one hour prepares me to open up to the possibility of shared meals, face-to-face conversation and the movement of the spirit when two or more are gathered.

Laying down burdens

I'm up late at night trying to find a prayer. The trouble is, I don't know for what I should pray. I know my prayers can have more than one thought - just like praying for one person, but I still don't know what's on my heart.

I know what my fears are, and I know I have burdens. I trust that I have done the best I can to avoid harm, and if I caused it, I trust I found it in time to seek forgiveness. My fears are not just for me, they are for others too. I wonder what plagues them so that they feel trapped or cornered and must fight for their lives. I wonder if they feel lonely. I wonder if I could have helped but walked on by, never noticing the burden.

I start to think of others who have power. In the midst of a heated health care debate, how do the people in charge find a way to sleep at night? Do they sleep well because they are comfortable and do not trouble themselves if others are in need? Do they sleep well because they have done all they can and worrying won't make it better? Do they sleep poorly because they wonder how they could make it better? Do they sleep at all because they wonder if the world will reject the message they have to bring?

Since I am writing this at midnight, I am clearly not in the first two... the question remains, which one am I in? I want to lay my burden down, but I keep questioning what more I could have done. I keep replaying scenes in my head looking for ways people could have been hurt. There are no stories about Jesus going to sleep. It's mentioned that he is tired; I even think it mentions that he did sleep. Most of the sleeping happens with the disciples, and Mark documents it best. Jesus carried a great weight on his shoulders, and I have no idea when or how he slept... a very basic function of the body.

I know who I am and what I have to give to the world. I know it will not always be accepted with open arms. I guess in light of all of this my prayer is that those who reject the message I bring do so in respect and without ill will... I will strive to do the same in bringing the message forth.

Road rage without a car

If I ever wanted to dedicate a blog to the mysteries of driving in Boston, "Road Rage Without a Car" would be the title of it. However, this blog posting is dedicated to those people who drive us up a wall. You know, the people, for no good reason, seem to get under our skin and bring us to teenage levels of gossip and loathing.

Sex and the City coined the term "frenemy." This is supposed to be a friend but is based upon being enemies. This term has me think of Newman from "Seinfeld" or the relationship between Karen and Grace (well Karen and anyone really) on "Will & Grace." There are sweet and tender moments but they are also met with moments of sheer anger, frustration and cutting sarcasm. Sad, but this is a grown-up version of what I saw in middle school. Somehow, we take what was acceptable back then and dress it up for the after party.

Today I was reminded about the pain of others. Sometimes I'm so busy finding the way out of my own hurt and anger that's hard to see it parallels someone else's. We're walking side by side and yet fighting each other instead of helping. My own hurt and anger came rushing out in a desperate attempt to name the pain. In the process, I realized we're not so far from each other as we would have ourselves believe.

What I also discovered in this process is that it is up to me to get through the pain and find a way to love. It is not up to anyone else to do it for me. It's in this moment I need to seek out Jesus to come a little closer to me. I need to seek out respite from a storm of emotions and thoughts. Jesus is just waiting for me to ask for directions... my own GPS on this crazy road trip. Life isn't supposed to be filled with rage. I'm not supposed to speed up to hit the massive potholes. I'm also not supposed to speed up for the bumps. It worked on the Dukes of Hazzard, but not for me.

People are like speed bumps... stay with me here on this. We are supposed to approach with caution. If we go too fast, irreparable damage can be done to both. If we avoid them all together, we miss out on slowing down and catching some of the more interesting aspects of life. (You can't tell me that what you see in front of a grocery or department store isn't interesting on a Saturday afternoon!) Each one us us has felt like part of a journey but also a little run over. The balance is getting to where I need to go without running over people along the way. Slowing down helps that.

I don't have a solution... I'm not even sure I articulated a problem. I just know I needed to think this out in my own haphazard way to prevent driving too fast over a speed bump and find out I lost my muffler in the process.

This is a day of new beginnings

For many of us at BU, today is the first day of classes. For me, it's the first of lasts. I'm trying not to be too sentimental about it. It's the last time (until next semester) I will experience the thrill and nerves of having a first day of class.

What makes this day even more special is that it marks the bridge of where I am and where I want to be. In this year, I will experience more in my field ed. than I can ever imagine. Everything I have learned at this point will be used in some fashion or another. I got from being student to being student chaplain - in a way that is different from CPE. Yes, I feel like I am becoming who I've always wanted to be but never had the courage to become.

I'd like to say a prayer for all those who are experiencing new beginnings. Whether it's starting a new class, speaking English for 24 hours straight, living in a new country or a new culture. I hope the excitement of possibilities overshadows the nerves and doubt. With a deep breath, allow the Pneuma to fill us and restore us. May every lesson taught, and learned, bring us closer to each other and to the most holy one as well.

Customer service 101: Consumer edition

Since I have been exploring heavy topics for a while, I thought I'd try something light-hearted.
I think it's time customers had a crash course in how to be a good customer. I have been working retail this past summer, and here are a few helpful hits for American consumers. These are meant to be light-hearted, but they do ring with some truth. They are also in no particular order.

1) Please hang up your phone. You would be infuriated if I tried to help you while taking to my friend on the phone. Why is it okay when you do it? I really only need 2 minutes of your undivided attention. If you cannot give that to me, you might need to take a break.

Exception: If you are calling someone to help make a decision about the purchase, that's okay. I'd prefer you get the right thing and not have to make a return.

2) Responses to greetings. Sometimes I say "hello" to a customer and I get back "Just looking." Ummm... I didn't ask a question. Just say hello back. I realize you may not want someone breathing over you as you look around, but my boss also requires that I make some sort of contact with every person who enters the store.

3) Commentary. I know we are in a recession... that's why I'm working retail. If you think something's too expensive, there is no need to call it "a rip-off." I did not set the price, and your comments will not put me in a position of changing them. If you can buy it cheaper at home, please do. The economic climates (as well as cost of living) of each region are vastly different. I cannot help that - I'm a victim of it as much as you.

4) Discounts. Yes, sometimes we forget about discounts, and it doesn't hurt to ask. When I've said there are no discounts 3 times, I'd like you to believe me. I am not trying to get more money out of you. I have to account for it in the register, and there is no way for me to get a hold of it from a credit card transaction. I am not trying to rip you off.

5) Asking for help. This goes back to #2. In saying a greeting, I am hoping to open a pathway where you know I am available to answer your questions. When you say you don't need help, or just looking, I will leave you alone. However, please do not ask my boss for help 60 seconds later. I will hear about this because he will think I'm not helping customers. If you have a question, please seek me out. If I cannot help you, I will find someone who can.

6) Leaving messages at the store. Whether it's business or personal, if you need to leave a message, please answer all of my questions. When you say, "He'll know what it's about," you don't realize he really might not. I have been asked to get the answers to these questions. If you can give me a little information it's very helpful. If it's a personal matter, I'll respect it. If you're with a business, it seems fishy when you won't tell me the name of your company or phone number. Think about it.

7) Impulse purchases. I know there are things at the counter to entice you to spend just a little more. I also know you just might take one. However, there is a point in the transaction where I cannot add something on. I'm really sorry about this. Please do not get upset about it. We can do another transaction.

8) checking out in a crowd. Sometimes stores get busy. We are doing the best we can with what we have. Please do not tap your fingers on the counter or yell at me with "I've been waiting for half an hour." I know you have not because half an hour ago I couldn't find anything to do. There are many other people who are just as busy as you, and we are trying to help everyone in a timely manner. If you wave money at me, it makes me feel cheap; please don't do it. If you put money down on the counter and then walk out with merchandise, it is legally shoplifting. Give us 5-10 minutes. We will get to everyone.

I hope this helps. I have seen every one of these things this past summer. I may have a library/archive edition coming up soon. In the mean time, share this with a friend. We all want good service, and these few steps will help you get it.

growing up vs. grown up

I don't really give much thought to the differences between these terms... until today. The first (growing up) is active. There is change currently happening. The second (grown up) is passive. The action is in the past and has reached completion. One is where I am; the other is probably where I should be.

I have reached an age and a level of professional education where the second term really should apply. I'm over 30 now, and I nearly have a masters in divinity. I am nearing the time when I will ask to be ordained and be allowed to speak on behalf of the church with an authoritative voice. Still, I don't feel like the work is complete in me. I feel there is still active change within me, and I am "growing up" still.

So how do I find the balance between where I am and where I am expected to be? I still don't have the answer. I really wish I did have the answer, but the only thing I get is I have to learn to live with my shortcomings.

I think everyone wants to be a protege or phenomenon, but very few people actually get to be that. It's kind of like being a supermodel - many people strive for it; few achieve it. Yet, why do we strive to be what we are not instead of being who we are? Fame? The possibility of fortune? A desire to live eternal as a mark on society for the better? I just don't know.

I find it odd that we never see Jesus grow up in the Bible. It's one place where we are left to imagine without instruction. How did Jesus deal with the weight of his mission as a teenager? Did he struggle to know what his mission was? What were his first words? Did he have acne? How did he react to his parents' discipline? Did he ever deal with disappointment, and if so, how? I miss seeing how he struggled with it. For all the warts and "uglies" the bible shows in Saul, David and even Peter, it doesn't let us see if Jesus had to deal with this part of the struggle of human nature. I miss having a plan, or model, put in front of me for when times get tough as I attempt to be a grown up. I just have a gap of about 20 years to figure out, and let's face it - Jesus is a tough nut to crack. Even the best theologians don't agree on him.

As I near my 32nd birthday (the Jesus year, as some of us call it), I realize how painfully short of his example I fall. I'm glad that I am still growing and that God is still at work within me. I just live in a world where growing has expected benchmarks, and falling short of them can fill one with shame. How do I balance my joy with my sorrow? Can I find peace in the midst of the gap? Right now, all I can hope, is that I remember this the next time I think someone falls short of where he or she "should be."

This is my body, broken for you

I can't tell you how many times I've heard these words used in a service of the Eucharist. I also can't tell you the number of times I've heard debate about the violence these invoke as well. I had an experience today that had me think about this in a new way.I went to an anatomy lecture today. The discussion centered around the issue of anatomical gifts - cadavers.

The most powerful portion, for me, was in the video interview of a woman who is dedicating her body to science. She has decided to allow students to open her, after her death, to study how her body works.She touched on her faith structure - the soul leaves at death, and all that remains is an empty vessel. It felt 2 Corinthians to me. She also talked about how she felt about death. She seemed so normal that she made the process of donation seem like a natural thing to do.What really struck me was when she talked about what she hoped for the students who would receive her body. She hoped that they would learn something about the human body that would help them in medicine. It was a gift that was meant to be passed on.

She knew, as we all do, that death will find us all. It was not a matter of "if" she will die but "when" she dies. What she has to say and teach goes on long after the wind ceases to move across her lips to speak in a language she was taught. She's not predicting a violent death. She's not predicting a painful death. She's accepting death as a passage and leaving behind something to be learned from.

Perhaps this is a message of Good News in the communion. It's more important to know that Jesus accepted that becoming human meant dying. He knew he would leave behind something that could be studied and contemplated, and that work would carry us through our journey - even when the wind ceased to blow over his moving lips. The breaking of the body is opening it up to show how love works. He handed over his body knowing that something could be learned from it... like the woman in the video. She cannot tell the students all she has to say unless they are willing to break the skin and look inside. When we break bread, we share it in a way that cannot be experienced if only one holds it - it must be broken to share... to see inside. It is selfless love that pays forward instead of asking to pay back.

I look forward to the memorial service for all of those who have donated their bodies for the cause of science. They may teach the med students many things they never thought they learned, but they taught a seminarian something about the Eucharist that will forever change the way I view it.

Ladies & gentlemen - God has left the building

That's right; God has left the building and gone into the world. I had an amazing experience with meeting God today. Bear with me as I try to explain it...

I really don't like my job, but I try to make do. There are days I meet people who are really cranky and want me to have completed their shopping before they even arrive. These are the people who cause me to chant, "God loves them, so I should try liking them." The most pastoral thing to think? No. Allows me to be patient with them? Yes.

Today was really different though. In the first hour, I overheard a woman talking to her daughter about a book. I inquired about it, and ended up having a talk about Adam and Eve and a book called "Brida" by Paulo Coelho. We proceeded to talk about the unity of male and female in the book of Genesis.

If this wasn't odd enough, the guy behind her in line asked me if he correctly that I study theology. This being Boston, a home for personalism, I tried to back out of a specific answer. I explained that I'm studying the intersection of faith and action. He apologized for asking and then went on to talk about how fascinated he is about religion. We talked about his Catholic upbringing and how he's so frustrated with the anger and violence in this world. I wish I could remember all we talked about, but I remember thinking, "this is what it's like to live out the Great Commission."

I have a general policy not to give money to people on the street near work. Mostly, my reason lies in that I see a number of people, who ask for money, come into the store to buy cigarettes. I don't feel I can contribute to something that slowly kills them - first, do no harm. However, I will ask if I can pick up a slice of pizza or a sandwich when I go to get my lunch. Today, the guy said he'd like a slice of pizza. God met me in the pizza parlor. I asked for two slices of cheese and if there was a discount for working in the square. (some places give them - some don't. It doesn't hurt to ask.) The chef decided that, if I promised to share with people at work, he'd give me a large pie for the price of a slice... and I also had to keep the transaction to myself. I agreed to the terms, and I was able to feed 4 people for the cost of a slice. The feeding of the 5000 came to mind.

As I was heading to the bus, and thinking about what I would do for dinner, a woman asked me for money. She wanted to buy some food for dinner. Keeping to my policy, I asked her where she would like to go to dinner. I've had people refuse my offer before, stating they'd rather have the money, and I thought she would do the same. I was surprised, and she was too, that we ended up having dinner together. We went 2 blocks to a burger joint where I had the steak and cheese (I am a Wisconsin girl!), and she had the fish and chips (being a good Boston gal). She talked to me about being on the streets, depression and fear. She said she had been going to church every day asking God for a little help. Then she asked me what I did. She thought I was a nurse - I simply said, "I'm a pastor." It felt so natural to say it. She started to cry and took my hand, and she offered a prayer to God. "God, thank you. I asked for help, and you sent me a pastor." I told her it was really me who felt honored. I didn't want to go back to my place and eat another meal alone, and I was so grateful to have had a meal with her.

It was in talking with her that I realized frustrations are anger at unfulfilled hopes. She wishes for a safe place to sleep while I grumble about the bed being too hard. She wonders how she'll find food while I grumble about ramen noodles for lunch. She wonders if she'll get the care she needs while I complain about the cost of health care. It seems so small when she talks to me. She helped me put it into perspective. I have people who love me and care about me. I have a roof over my head and food to eat every day. I have clothes to wear and don't have to worry about every passing glance. God bless Betty.

So yes, God has left the building and entered the world. I just need to unplug the iPod, look up from my feet, and answer a call from the margins. Perhaps, this is rethinking Church.

Hatred.Is.Purity

I've been thinking about this statement since I first saw it tattooed on a man's neck. My first thought was "Why would anyone put a needle so close to a major artery without a medical team nearby?" Then I tried to think of all the reasons why someone would want to portray that statement to the world everyday... for the rest of his life. I promptly went on thinking about all the reasons he was wrong.

What happened, for me, was a journey into my past. My sarcasm didn't always have a funny overtone to it. It used to be for inflicting the pain I felt inside to the outside of another. I took risks that it would harm them internally. Just like this man taking risks with his arteries, I took risks that permanent damage would occur and possibly even death - physical or emotional. He wears his pain, as a tattoo, as a badge of honor. Me? I try to wipe the slate clean, but like a dry erase board that didn't quite pass inspection, sometimes it doesn't completely go away - it only fades.

I expected to write down all the reasons this man was wrong about hatred being purity. I thought it would only be the loving thing to do. As future clergy, I am supposed to propagate the love of Christ and make it visible to the world. Yet, I find myself agreeing with this man. Hated seems to be the only emotion we authentically show. We hide pain lest people find our weaknesses. We hide our strengths lest we seem vain. We hide our love to protect our hearts. We deny our passions to act in accordance with what an adult should do. I'm not saying these are right or wrong, although I do have opinions on them. What I am saying is that we have allowed anger and hatred to be authentic emotions which are okay to display publicly. Maybe there is authenticity there. Now it is time to reclaim the authenticity in kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, love, compassion and self-control. It is time to reclaim the fruits of the Spirit. Hatred may be purity, but the living waters of God can wash it away and make it new.

Tiananmen Square - 20 years later

It's hard to believe this was 20 years ago. I was only 12 when it happened, and yet the images are so written into my memory. My brother and I were sitting in the camper watching TV on the really old set, even for that day. We used to camp in our yard because we were weird but also because it was safe. We hadn't learned how dangerous the world really was just yet.

The television, on every channel, was a modern day David and Goliath. The tank could have just rolled over that man. Sure every camera around the world would have seen it, but it outweighed that guy by like 100 elephants. Why did it bother to stop? How did one man, carrying his groceries, manage to end a human rights error about to go down?

I don't know. I don't know what the students were protesting, and I don't know if their voices were really every heard. I do know that the man who stepped in front of the tanks did more that most of us would do in the same circumstance... and he is not considered to be "free" like we are.

I have wondered and worried if we get too use to our lives. We get so used to our freedoms that everything appears to be a violation of them. (There are still legitimate infractions, but getting anything less that 300 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets in prison is not one of them.) We get used to the idea that we are God's chosen and blessed people that we start to forget there are responsibilities with answering that call. Sometimes we have to stand up to tanks that far outweigh us - stand up to the fear within - to do the will of God.

I will never know that man. The world may never know who he is, but he is counted among the people I admire. Thank you just doesn't seem enough.

They shall see visions

In this past Sunday's lectionary reading, the story in Acts tells of the day of Pentecost, when the Holy Spirit came into the world and first landed on the gathered disciples. It also quotes from Joel, "In the last days it will be, God declares, that I will pour out my Spirit upon all flesh, and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams." (Acts 2:17)

In the Hebrew Bible, there was an end to prophesy, and it wasn't to begin again until the Messiah came - that was how they were to know the Messiah had come. Christians have interpreted this into affirmation of Jesus as Christ and Messiah. However, we still talk about it as something that happened once upon a time and not something that occurs right now.

The Bible has a way of using masculine language when we understand it to be inclusive, so I am going to assume that both men and women will prophesy, see visions and dream dreams. (Sorry to those who are more literal) I believe that God still sends messengers to us in order that we convey those messages on. I still believe in prophets in this age. Prophesy did not end with Martin Luther King, Jr. and Howard Thurman.

By not talking about it, though, we submit it to a psychological disorder that can be "fixed" with some medication. We have western medicine explain religion. I know that if I were in an eastern tradition, any prophesy would be more welcomed. It would still undergo scrutiny to make sure it was prophesy, but it would not immediately be presumed a malfunction of the brain.

If we are supposed to see visions and dream dreams, then why shouldn't we talk about it with each other? Why do we hide it, especially when it is tidings of great joy? My own reason for hiding them is the counter-balance of great fear. The same fear I mentioned before keeps me from sharing the great joy. I have seen the visions and stood before moments of glory that cannot be explained. I have kept silent for fear the church would not understand. As I type that, it seems beyond silly to me. One who believes in God, commits her life to the good of the church, is afraid of what the church will think about her being called before the countenance of God and sharing a message!

That is why I share this tiding with you - so that those who read this know they have no reason to fear. You are not alone. You are not alone in visions; You are not alone in this world. My message to share is this: God will meet you in a way that you will know. You will know your master's voice and face. God will come to you when you need it most, but you must keep an eye out for God's presence. Do not fear. You are not alone.

Left behind

People who need people are supposed to be the luckiest people in the world. What happens when those people find they are not needed? Relationships are a delicate thing. They constantly hang in a balance with time and circumstance. We cannot cling to them and expect that they will never change; the opposite is true; they must change. They must find ways to continue to grow in adaptation to the variables before mentioned, or they risk dying.

Perhaps this is why it is bittersweet when friends part. There is no assurance that the variables will allow the growth to continue. Sometimes relationships come to a natural end - like in the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun." They have their moment in the sun, when they flourish, and then the natural cycle is to end them. Sometimes, though, they feel as if they are cut down short... before time naturally expires.

In Genesis, we read that God wanted companionship and created Adam. It was not that God needed it, but God wanted it. Adam was in a different position. God said it was not good for man to live alone and created Eve to be a partner in life. I read that as God saying we need each other in this life. I have read it to understand that we do not need spouses to be complete, but we do requite meaningful and lasting relationships with others. We are not meant to live solitary lives. I am told over and over that there is no such thing as the solo Christian, and perhaps it is for the same reason - God wants us to know a fullness in relation to one another.

However, I return to my question, what happens when the one who needs people is not needed? Some will say that our full value cannot be placed in the hands of others, but it should be found within. I do believe each person should know his or her own value, but even Paul, in 1 Corinthians, asks the ecclesia to affirm the fruit of the Spirit in each person. What if the body is absent to affirm? Where is affirmation found?

I hope that it is found in prayer. Perhaps these moments of solitude are meant to reconnect with the God that dwells within each of us. Perhaps God asks us to know the fruit placed within and ask the ecclesia for affirmation rather than to find and present the fruit to the person. It is like a medicine that does not go down easy but eventually strengthens the body, or soul, from within.

No one is alone. That is what ordained ministry is all about. More specifically, that is what the Order of the Deacon is all about. Deacons affirm to the world that we are there when all other hope seems lost and fading. We cannot cure, but we can heal. Sometimes, the ordained need to be there for each other for this very reason. Sometimes the ordained need to hear a voice of witness saying they are not alone on this journey of care.

Stream of Conscience

The problem with studying practical theology is that you eventually start doing it. You start applying what you learn into your every day practice of life. Yes, John Wesley will factor into this too. I can't leave him out. So let us begin...

In the fall, I took a course on John Wesley's theology. If I needed a 3rd theo credit, I figured that would be the best one for me to take. We talked quite a bit about JW's rules on money. There are three: 1) Earn all you can, 2) Save all you can, 3) Give all you can. I will come back to the first one in just a minute. Save all you can means to live simply. Don't turn on the air conditioner when a fan will suffice. Don't eat at a fancy restaurant when you could make your meal at home. The third rule is pretty self-explanatory. When you find that you have taken care of your own basic needs (and that of your family), help take care of the basic needs of others.

The first rule, however, is the crux of my current dilemma. I am supposed to earn all the money I can so that I might be able to live out the next two rules. There is a caveat - I cannot earn it in such a way that it harms others. Most of the jobs I had only entailed disappointing people from time to time; now I am faced with a harder truth - I am working in a business that causes harm.

I watched as cancer slowly killed people in my family. Now, I sell tobacco to people. At first I rationalized what I was doing - they have made their own choice, and I'm working in a free-market society. If I didn't earn my money this way, someone else would. Eventually, my conscience caught up with me. Every time I made a sale, I felt a little piece of my soul die away. It sounds melodramatic, but there's nothing else to explain the sadness. What I do is sell a little piece of harm to people who chose to turn away from life. In this business, I do not promote life and life with God.

I am now trying to find a way to reconcile my conscience with a need. I prayerfully ask God everyday to show me a better path - one that leads away from here but still provides my needs. I have not yet heard the answer, but I trust that I will soon. My shepherd always supplies my needs, and I need to listen for the answer. I feel lost right now - I know what I need to do, and I need to find the strength to follow through.

Pray for all those who are caught between needs. There is a struggle when two vital needs seemingly oppose each other.

Proud of where I come from

I started my job in archives this week. I thought I would like it, but I never expected to love it. A professor said to our class, on the very first day, that he found himself spending more and more time in the archives - he'd just hang out there. We all laughed and scoffed at him. Today, I'm jokingly mad at him because he was right.

Today I found out about the amazing things that happened at BU before I was even born. Nowhere in my history books did they really discuss the depth of the Vietnam War on the American homefron. I suppose it's because it was seen as an embarrassment (I may do a modern-day interpretation comparing it to our current war, but not today). I found out that Marsh Chapel, at BU, offered two servicemen sanctuary within its walls. They hd already served a tour of duty, as required by law through the draft, and they were to report for another tour (not mandated by the draft law). They sought sanctuary within the church, and the church gave it.

However, like the younger sister of Cleopatra, Arsinoe, they were dragged from sanctuary. (One actually surrendered peacefully, the other was forcefully removed by the FBI.) Like in ancient Ephesus, this was an outrage among the people. What does the term "sanctuary" mean anymore? This was immoral and unjust in the eyes of those who protested, and yet they kept vigil. They preached and exhorted; they sang; they offered witness.

This is my BU. This is where I find "The school of the Prophets." Martin Luther King Jr, Georgia Harkness, Anna Howard Shaw, and Howard Thurman were mighty amazing people, and their place in history should not be diminished, but I will never be them. I will probably never change the course of history nor be mentioned in the history books. However, I can take a stand against injustice. I can raise my voice to help out another person in need. I can help someone find sanctuary in the midst of chaos. This is the passion I find within the walls of my school, and that kind of passion cannot be taught.

I am proud to be a member of this school and belong to this legacy. I can't wait to see what comes from this year and the legacy we will leave behind for future generation of BU STH.

Unfinished business

Tonight I listened as our dean of students gave a sermon about the resurrected Jesus and unfinished business. The scripture comes from Luke 24:36-49 when Jesus reappears before the disciples, and they don't believe it's him. They touch him, but still can't believe. Then Jesus asks for something to eat, and they get it. We all laughed when she said, "They remember this Jesus... the one who was always eating... Jesus wanted some fried fish and cornbread." Yes, we lauged at that one. Jesus needed to get them past the doubt so they could take care of unfinished business. They needed to go out from Jerusalem to make disciples - they needed to spread the good news.

I was all set to write a rebuttle on this topic. I wanted to say that some times things just have to be left unfinished. Not everything cleans up nicely, but that's the way it ends. Then I got a phone call from a friend. You see, things had not been smooth for a while. We had both been under pressure from different sources. There was a sense of drifting away - at least I felt it on my end. I thought that drifting away would be the start of the end... we would end with unfinished business... and then there was a phone call. Through the doubt and confusion was a call for me and to me.

There is a time and a place to finish the unfinished business. I still don't have it worked out where and when that's supposed to happen, but I know that God will guide me to getting it done right. Doubt, confusion, miscommunication leave us with a sense that it might be better to walk away from something messy instead of getting our hands dirty and seeing if we can clean it up. It would have been a mistake this time. It might have been a mistake in the past. While I won't be sitting down to fried fish with Jesus, I'm hoping he'll take me up on some fried chicken and mac & cheese so we can see what else needs to be cleaned up so the journey can continue.

Is there room at the table for me?

I have learned what happens when you begin to expect grace and not see it as a gift. The beauty of it being a gift starts to dull. I become disappointed that it doesn't happen. I'm talking about the ups and downs of Methodist candidacy. I hoped to meet with my dCOM during annual conference, as it would be the only time in the year I planned to be home, however that will not happen.

There are 13 United Methodist seminaries in existence. That means there are more people than just me who are studying in an area outside their home conference, and especially outside of their districts. While it is their choice to go to a seminary closest to home or far away, I question how much help is provided in helping them balance the requirements of academia and church.

My experience has been that dCOM only meets for one meeting during the summer. Summer is when I have the least amount of money. Seminarians are doing field education internships, CPE or working to save up money for next year. There is no access to scholarships, grants or loans, and financial assistance from the conference has never been a suggestion. This year especially, it looks like a tough summer for employment.

My other experience has been that dCOM meets when I have scheduled classes. I find it ironic that I leave important instruction to talk about what I'm learning. Professors generally excuse this absence because it is for professional reasons, but there is catching up to be done. The travel, the expense and the intellectual catch-up is exhausting.

I wish I could help dCOM, and conferences, understand that diversity in seminary education is a plus for the connexional system of the United Methodist Church. Encouraging students to attend the closest seminary so that it's easier to meet with dCOM actually breaks down the ties that bind us. We become more fragmented when we all stay close to home. We also push really great people out of serving the church because frustration levels get to a breaking point. I have seen far too many people give up on this system - people who could have transformed the local charge and the greater body.

My suggestion, should anyone wish to listen to this voice, is help us achieve. Make a little room at Annual Conference to meet with your candidates who attend far away. You don't have to get everyone that week, but look at those who have to take a train or plane to reach you, and help them out. If they can make the commitment to attend annual conference (which should offer a seminarian discount since most of us have negative income and live off loans), help them out with an hour of your time. What better way to learn about your candidate than over a meal? Jesus taught his disciples over meals all the time. United Methodists are known for the fellowship over the meal - although usually in crockpot form.

We hope we are not a burden to you - another thing to squeeze into the calender. We want to learn from you, and we seek affirmation that the gifts we see in ourselves are visible to others, especially those already within the church. We hope that we reignite your passion for ministry by sharing all the wonderful and new things we learn along the way. We hope that you are filled with an experience of the Holy Spirit and a sense of comfort that the church will continue in capable hands. I hope we get to that sense of mutual benefaction for the sake of the church in the world.

Another turning point - a fork stuck in the road

There are many lasts to be had right now. The last day of classes. The last paper to write. The last exam to take. The last party to attend. The last chance to hug a dear friend before paths diverge across the country.

We came here with hopes and dreams, and we leave with the same hopes and dreams. Perhaps we leave with a little more insight on how to make them happen. I will be staying - throughout the summer and into next academic year. However, I will not return with many friends. It's bittersweet to think I will spend more time in a place I love, but some of the people I have come to love will not be here.

But they need to go. They need to take their places in the will of God. They need their turn to bring about changes that let others know they are not alone in this world. I need them to go too. They have let me lean on them when I was not strong. Because of them, I healed when I didn't think it was possible. Now it's time for me to prove how strong I really am - to me and to them. When I stand tall and proud I also honor all that they have done to help me. They may not get the fruit of their labor, but someone else will. I will pass it on to another group of people who have the potential to be just as amazing. It's now my position to help bring that around. This time next year, it will be my turn to say the big good byes. Until then, I will enjoy this time I have left and look forward to all the possibilities to come.

I'm a big kid now

There are moments when you realized you have crossed a threshold in life, and you just won't be able to go back. For most people it comes with landmark birthdays: 18,21, 25 (for some) and 30 are a few that I have crossed and crossed with friends. You can relive a part of what's past from time to time, but it's not quite the same.

I am getting ready to take office as student body president. I don't say this to gloat or rub it in the face of anyone reading. Honestly, I'm nervous about it. For as confident as I was a few weeks ago while "campaigning" through letting people know where I stood on issues and where I saw the future of the school, I now stand in awe of the power, trust and respect (on both sides) that is placed with this office.

When I first came to seminary, I stood in awe of the people whose positions I am filling or am about to fill. I looked up to them and respected them. These were people who could make change happen, and they did. When students needed help, they were there. They rallied around those who had little or no voice and made sure they were heard. Now I am being entrusted with that legacy. I feel a little like Queen Elizabeth I - overwhelmed, never thought I'd be here, and yet ready to go.

I'm also facing the very real scenario of being a pastor. People ask me for advice, and I am being asked to lead in times of crisis. What I say and do (or don't say or don't do for that matter) actually means something. I have the ability to build up or tear down. I only hope that I am receptive enough to the movement of the Holy Spirit to do either of these things for the betterment of God's Kingdom on earth.

If I stand in these positions thinking it's on my own merit, I know I will fail. The person who believes she is the one with the power is the one who is estranged from God. She has an uphill battle to fight. God is not absent - she just didn't ask for God's help. So, I need to remember that God wants to do something with me - just as I am and just where I am. If I do that, along with prayer and other means of grace, I stand the best chance of seeing what God has in store.

It's scary to cross this threshold. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. God put angels on earth to help guide me through. Perhaps I will be used as an angel to help guide someone else through this thing we call life. Perhaps...

Can you keep a secret?

I thought the hardest thing about going into ministry was going to be keeping secrets. Sometimes it would be information to the congregation and sometimes about the congregation. I expected that people would just tell me things and I would have to learn to swallow it or just let it roll off my shoulders like water on teflon. I have since learned I was wrong. The thing about other people's secrets is that they were never mine to begin with. I never had to wrestle with the decisions surrounding them. I can lighten the burden for a while, but I will never completely take it.

What I have discovered about ministry is this, the hardest thing about it is knowing people feel they have to keep secrets from you. I took it for granted that people would tell me things. They don't have to do it. In the past week, many people I know have shared very personal things with me. I won't betray their trust by listing them here, but they were carrying heavy burdens along with the burden of guilt or shame. It wasn't that these people didn't really trust me - they didn't want to be vulnerable and be hurt in the most sensitive spot. And yet, I hurt. I hurt because they felt they had to go it alone. I feel bad that situations had to come to a point where they could no longer hide the truth and then told me. It's not that I feel betrayed - that's not it at all. I just wish they didn't feel they had to carry the burden alone.

I'm not one to hide much in my life. For better or worse, I lay it all out there for people to see. Some come to me because they know I will understand. Some seize the opportunity to strike me at the heart of what hurts. Some will look at it all and simply walk away. I have a greater appreciation for those who practice a more cautious approach to sharing their lives. It's not a matter of courage. I am no more courageous than anyone else. What I have learned is that by holding back there is a deeper sense of intimacy. When only a few, as opposed to many, know a core part of you, they sense how deep a connection is there.

To my many friends - the ones I know, and the ones I have yet to meet - thank you for all that you share with me. If I have not helped ease your burden, I am ready to help when you are ready. I only hope that you don't feel you have to carry it alone.

Give a little bit...

I've been spending my Spring Break in Turkey. I'm now on day 6 here. It's been a very interesting experience to visit all these amazing sites of historical, religious and archaeological importance.

Another side of what I have been learning is the view of Christianity. I am in a Muslim country, and it's not "en vogue" to be a Christian. Now, I'm not exactly a minority here. Yes, I'm a minority in this country, but I still belong the largest religion in the world. There is still a reason to fear me, and they do to some extent.

I have had to put away all my sweatshirts and t-shirts that say "theology" on them because it gives an impression that I am here to make converts. I hadn't even thought of the implications of wearing it when I was packing - I'm so used to wearing it all the time. (And I do wear it all the time, as my classmates will attest.) They are an extension of who I am. Yet, in the interest of research and goodwill, I put them away and only wear them in my room or at the library - never between the two places.

The hardest one for me was my necklace. The first day I wore a shirt in which my necklace could be seen, I didn't even realize you could see my cross. The next day, I made the decision not to take it off. There was just something too difficult about taking it off me. I hardly notice when it's there, but I most certainly know when it's gone. It's a big part of who I am. I don't need to be overt about it, but giving up the small things is really hard.

I still struggle with this right now - 6 days into the journey. How do I balance being a good guest of a country while being a good representative of my faith? I have a greater appreciation for what St. Paul had to do in setting up and maintaining his churches in the Aegean region. I better understand what he means about being "all things to all people." (1 Cor 9:22) He's trying to answer the very same question I'm struggling with right now... he's trying to fit in while witnessing by presence. (However, I am not here with an intention of making converts.)

I'm not sure how to navigate these two desires, but I am figuring out how to make the banks. I respect the host country and its primary religion by not being brash or brazen about my faith. I respect my beliefs by maintaining core elements to my faith - private devotion and my necklace - the symbol of my faith. I listen to Mark's teaching that I should do things in secret and not boast about them - my Abba knows what I am doing, and that is sufficient. (paraphrase)

What's most important about this journey is not that I find an answer, but I become comfortable with the tension in the question.

Incompatible!

I am a very good Methodist. I ordered my brand-new Book of Discipline almost as soon as I could. I waited with eager anticipation to receive it. I decided to ecological and get the CD-ROM version, which also includes the Book of Resolutions - and I don't know anyone who gets excited about that one! When it finally came today I had to restrain myself from opening it until I got home. There it was! My brand-new 2008 Book of Discipline!

I turned the box over to read all the wonderfully over-inflated descriptions about what it contained. And then all my excitement was deflated. It listed all the operating systems on which it would run: Windows, windows, windows, windows. I have a Mac. ugh. Because I had made a decision 2 years ago to buy a Mac I could not enjoy my new Book. (Under copyright laws, if I remove the outer plastic covering, I cannot return it - only exchange, so I didn't bother to "try-and-see".)

Sometimes things in life seem that way - incompatible. we make decisions along the way that we think are right only to be left wondering later on, "Did I make the best one?" In this case, yes, I made the right one. I love my computer - we've been through quite a bit together. I don't understand what the UMC and Cokesbury has against Macs. (I plan to ask tomorrow.) Yet, I can relate to making decisions I thought were right at the time only to question them later.

Sometimes life is incompatible. We meet the right person, but the timing is all off. We get a call from God, but there is work to be done first. We find the dream job, but the experience needed isn't what we have at that time. The CD-ROM just won't run. I trust that God is putting a nudge in us at those times of incompatibility. God says, "Try a little harder; go another route; I have something in mind for you." I like to think that God is asking me to respond. So, I will call Cokesbury and see if it will run on a Mac or if they will send me a hard copy of The Book. I will try a little harder because I know that nothing will separate me from the love of Christ... and the UMC!

Sacred Rest

I am taking a class on the Jewish practice of Sabbath this semester. One of the greatest lessons I am learning is that resting is a sacred event. When done with intention, it's about resting in the arms of God and trusting that everything will be okay.

One of the first things to get over is treating this time as an excuse to be lazy. Nothing that functions as an excuse is sacred... at least I have not seen it yet. Even naps are sacred when they allow the body to rest so the soul can catch up.

It is extremely counter-cultural to say no to work. We are told over and over again that the more productive we are the more valuable we become. Is this really true? Americans work longer hours and weeks during the year, but are we more productive that other countries? My brother lives in an EU country, and he gets 30 days of vacation every year, and that is standard the first year with a company. That country is not suffering from a lack of production or work. So why do we buy into the need to work ourselves nearly to death?

This is where Sabbath can be a life preserver. It almost shouts out, "Stop the world! I want to get off here!" I haven't progressed to having a full 24 hours of rest yet, but I take an hour every day to do nothing. I'll read if it want, but not for class. I'll cook if I want, but nothing too fancy. Sometimes I watch a movie or TV show. The important thing for me is that I allow myself to relax and the freedom for my soul to delight in whatever it feels moved to do. When I'm done - I go back to all the things I need to do with a refreshed energy. Sometimes I discover that I don't really need to do that work, and sometimes I discover my body needed more rest than I had allowed.

That said... I'm off to a nap and then a wonderful day of homework! I hope you find your sacred rest.

Be still and know that I am God - Psalm 46:10

So Close

I love the Disney Movie "Enchanted." The original song "So Close" is my favorite, and I've been listening to it quite a bit tonight. Some of it is because it's Valentine's weekend. All the happy people will be parading through the streets in a parade of love in which I am welcome only as a spectator. However, I'm hoping my leaving the city will help this... praying actually.

The other reason the song is resonating with me right now is because of an internal struggle with which I have been dealing. I felt like I came so close to something real - I was so sure of it - only to have doubt placed in me again. I could make this into a theological treatise about how humankind will fail us, but God keeps God's promise to never abandon it... but I won't. Tonight, I want to be a girl with a broken heart because of an opportunity lost.

I didn't understand the adage about keeping your eyes open for love in the strangest places. How could you not know? How could it be anything than love at first sight. Then "he" walked into my life. I couldn't stand him. I didn't want to share the same air as him. However, a mutual project made us work together.

Through this exchange, I got to know him better. I realized that all the things for which I had asked God in another person he possessed. The friendship deepened, but I felt more. I couldn't tell the other side's position though. Like a middle school girl, I nearly obsessed about it. I would have roller coaster emotions trying to interpret actions or comments. At 30, I still resorted to this - and to sharing the details with a few close friends.

Now, I'm so confused. Ministry changes how one approaches dating and relationships. It's much harder to start and develop them because of the professional boundaries instilled. The perceived rejection is hard enough to take - how is it I'm not good enough... or enough in general? But, the wondering how I could have been so wrong eats away at me too. Could this happen to me again? Could I unknowingly do this to someone else and have a professional issue?

Hearing and following a call from God is tough work, and there have been sacrifices along the way. This one has been the hardest of all to take. I struggle to make sense of it theologically. It's a struggle (in some ways) all of us have, and yet I still look to see where God speaks to this in the Bible. I don't have the answer now - but I hope some day I will know where this leads... or at least find a scripture that provides me comfort on this uncomfortable quest.

The oracles of Jesus

I recently discovered that I wasn't moving forward with a decision because I was "waiting for a sign from God" to tell me which direction was the correct one. Now what struck me about this is this topic recently made me giggle while reading a book on Graeco-Roman cultic practices.

The would try to read the entrails of sacrificed animals for signs from the gods. People went into caves to receive visions, or they went to a professional person to have their dreams interpreted. They wanted to know, "What direction do I take that's most pleasing to the gods?"

Now to be fair, the Bible has plenty of stories like this. The Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) is littered with oracles from the prophets. And dream interpretations? We have that too with the story of Joseph in Egypt.

So, I made fun of it in one "religion" but it's still a part of the history of my own tradition. How do I reconcile this? I answered it for myself by turning to the means of grace - specifically prayer. When I enter into prayer, I am entering into a dialogue with God. Sometimes I do the talking - sometimes I need to be listening. To be sure, I am watching for the signs that God is talking to me, but I'm not looking for God's favor. The instituted means of grace of Eucharist provides comfort for my mind and soul that I am favored by God... and not just me but all of us. God wants all of us to draw closer... those who are "favored" aren't more special, they just respond to the shepherd's call.

So I keep looking for oracles, and I keep trying to figure out my dreams... but it's to walk with Christ and not to win favor.

A letter to myself

Oddly enough, we were encouraged to write letters of spiritual guidance to ourselves. I will be brave enough to post mine here...

Dear Self,

I thank God for the time I have had in getting to know you. You have been open with me, and now I pray that you will lovingly receive these words from me.

Your concerns seem focused on future events, but do you know how often those things will happen? There is some validity to keeping your "eyes on the prize," but what is the prize you hope to achieve? You appear to go from one goal to then next - never really resting in satisfaction for more than a moment. Continue on with plans for graduation, papers, projects, ministry work, but don't forget that Jesus is seeking closer union with you. Seeking a closer union with him should be your goal too.

You care for others, but how do you care for yourself? I noticed that you are eating better and exercising more. I applaud you for this, and I'm sure it's making a difference. However, don't neglect your soul. The classroom should not be the only place to think about it. The soul is not an academic case study - it's a living part of the Living Word, and it can only be know by spending time with it. I cannot plead more soundly that you find a way to connect with it every day. Remember when you were a child and could not keep from smiling? That kind of joy is still within you.

As for love - it is a great concern for many people. Hold steadfast where you are. By this, I do not mean be stubborn and keep people out. I mean for you to stay true to who you are and not change to find love from another. If you are unhappy with yourself, read the paragraph above once again. You have come to understand love as a companionship instead of a completion of a project, and this understanding serves you well. What I delight in hearing is that this definition of love allows you to expand it to more than one person at one time. Do not worry too much about having "one love" in your life - your life is made up of so much more than one other person. And do you really believe that you can possess the love of one person? Does that not take away its beauty as a gift?

Until we speak next - be kind unto yourself. Your loving God is with you always and whispering words of comfort. Be silent and still - whisper words in prayer and listen to hear the response.