So Close

I love the Disney Movie "Enchanted." The original song "So Close" is my favorite, and I've been listening to it quite a bit tonight. Some of it is because it's Valentine's weekend. All the happy people will be parading through the streets in a parade of love in which I am welcome only as a spectator. However, I'm hoping my leaving the city will help this... praying actually.

The other reason the song is resonating with me right now is because of an internal struggle with which I have been dealing. I felt like I came so close to something real - I was so sure of it - only to have doubt placed in me again. I could make this into a theological treatise about how humankind will fail us, but God keeps God's promise to never abandon it... but I won't. Tonight, I want to be a girl with a broken heart because of an opportunity lost.

I didn't understand the adage about keeping your eyes open for love in the strangest places. How could you not know? How could it be anything than love at first sight. Then "he" walked into my life. I couldn't stand him. I didn't want to share the same air as him. However, a mutual project made us work together.

Through this exchange, I got to know him better. I realized that all the things for which I had asked God in another person he possessed. The friendship deepened, but I felt more. I couldn't tell the other side's position though. Like a middle school girl, I nearly obsessed about it. I would have roller coaster emotions trying to interpret actions or comments. At 30, I still resorted to this - and to sharing the details with a few close friends.

Now, I'm so confused. Ministry changes how one approaches dating and relationships. It's much harder to start and develop them because of the professional boundaries instilled. The perceived rejection is hard enough to take - how is it I'm not good enough... or enough in general? But, the wondering how I could have been so wrong eats away at me too. Could this happen to me again? Could I unknowingly do this to someone else and have a professional issue?

Hearing and following a call from God is tough work, and there have been sacrifices along the way. This one has been the hardest of all to take. I struggle to make sense of it theologically. It's a struggle (in some ways) all of us have, and yet I still look to see where God speaks to this in the Bible. I don't have the answer now - but I hope some day I will know where this leads... or at least find a scripture that provides me comfort on this uncomfortable quest.