Stream of Conscience

The problem with studying practical theology is that you eventually start doing it. You start applying what you learn into your every day practice of life. Yes, John Wesley will factor into this too. I can't leave him out. So let us begin...

In the fall, I took a course on John Wesley's theology. If I needed a 3rd theo credit, I figured that would be the best one for me to take. We talked quite a bit about JW's rules on money. There are three: 1) Earn all you can, 2) Save all you can, 3) Give all you can. I will come back to the first one in just a minute. Save all you can means to live simply. Don't turn on the air conditioner when a fan will suffice. Don't eat at a fancy restaurant when you could make your meal at home. The third rule is pretty self-explanatory. When you find that you have taken care of your own basic needs (and that of your family), help take care of the basic needs of others.

The first rule, however, is the crux of my current dilemma. I am supposed to earn all the money I can so that I might be able to live out the next two rules. There is a caveat - I cannot earn it in such a way that it harms others. Most of the jobs I had only entailed disappointing people from time to time; now I am faced with a harder truth - I am working in a business that causes harm.

I watched as cancer slowly killed people in my family. Now, I sell tobacco to people. At first I rationalized what I was doing - they have made their own choice, and I'm working in a free-market society. If I didn't earn my money this way, someone else would. Eventually, my conscience caught up with me. Every time I made a sale, I felt a little piece of my soul die away. It sounds melodramatic, but there's nothing else to explain the sadness. What I do is sell a little piece of harm to people who chose to turn away from life. In this business, I do not promote life and life with God.

I am now trying to find a way to reconcile my conscience with a need. I prayerfully ask God everyday to show me a better path - one that leads away from here but still provides my needs. I have not yet heard the answer, but I trust that I will soon. My shepherd always supplies my needs, and I need to listen for the answer. I feel lost right now - I know what I need to do, and I need to find the strength to follow through.

Pray for all those who are caught between needs. There is a struggle when two vital needs seemingly oppose each other.