growing up vs. grown up

I don't really give much thought to the differences between these terms... until today. The first (growing up) is active. There is change currently happening. The second (grown up) is passive. The action is in the past and has reached completion. One is where I am; the other is probably where I should be.

I have reached an age and a level of professional education where the second term really should apply. I'm over 30 now, and I nearly have a masters in divinity. I am nearing the time when I will ask to be ordained and be allowed to speak on behalf of the church with an authoritative voice. Still, I don't feel like the work is complete in me. I feel there is still active change within me, and I am "growing up" still.

So how do I find the balance between where I am and where I am expected to be? I still don't have the answer. I really wish I did have the answer, but the only thing I get is I have to learn to live with my shortcomings.

I think everyone wants to be a protege or phenomenon, but very few people actually get to be that. It's kind of like being a supermodel - many people strive for it; few achieve it. Yet, why do we strive to be what we are not instead of being who we are? Fame? The possibility of fortune? A desire to live eternal as a mark on society for the better? I just don't know.

I find it odd that we never see Jesus grow up in the Bible. It's one place where we are left to imagine without instruction. How did Jesus deal with the weight of his mission as a teenager? Did he struggle to know what his mission was? What were his first words? Did he have acne? How did he react to his parents' discipline? Did he ever deal with disappointment, and if so, how? I miss seeing how he struggled with it. For all the warts and "uglies" the bible shows in Saul, David and even Peter, it doesn't let us see if Jesus had to deal with this part of the struggle of human nature. I miss having a plan, or model, put in front of me for when times get tough as I attempt to be a grown up. I just have a gap of about 20 years to figure out, and let's face it - Jesus is a tough nut to crack. Even the best theologians don't agree on him.

As I near my 32nd birthday (the Jesus year, as some of us call it), I realize how painfully short of his example I fall. I'm glad that I am still growing and that God is still at work within me. I just live in a world where growing has expected benchmarks, and falling short of them can fill one with shame. How do I balance my joy with my sorrow? Can I find peace in the midst of the gap? Right now, all I can hope, is that I remember this the next time I think someone falls short of where he or she "should be."