I'm a big kid now

There are moments when you realized you have crossed a threshold in life, and you just won't be able to go back. For most people it comes with landmark birthdays: 18,21, 25 (for some) and 30 are a few that I have crossed and crossed with friends. You can relive a part of what's past from time to time, but it's not quite the same.

I am getting ready to take office as student body president. I don't say this to gloat or rub it in the face of anyone reading. Honestly, I'm nervous about it. For as confident as I was a few weeks ago while "campaigning" through letting people know where I stood on issues and where I saw the future of the school, I now stand in awe of the power, trust and respect (on both sides) that is placed with this office.

When I first came to seminary, I stood in awe of the people whose positions I am filling or am about to fill. I looked up to them and respected them. These were people who could make change happen, and they did. When students needed help, they were there. They rallied around those who had little or no voice and made sure they were heard. Now I am being entrusted with that legacy. I feel a little like Queen Elizabeth I - overwhelmed, never thought I'd be here, and yet ready to go.

I'm also facing the very real scenario of being a pastor. People ask me for advice, and I am being asked to lead in times of crisis. What I say and do (or don't say or don't do for that matter) actually means something. I have the ability to build up or tear down. I only hope that I am receptive enough to the movement of the Holy Spirit to do either of these things for the betterment of God's Kingdom on earth.

If I stand in these positions thinking it's on my own merit, I know I will fail. The person who believes she is the one with the power is the one who is estranged from God. She has an uphill battle to fight. God is not absent - she just didn't ask for God's help. So, I need to remember that God wants to do something with me - just as I am and just where I am. If I do that, along with prayer and other means of grace, I stand the best chance of seeing what God has in store.

It's scary to cross this threshold. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. God put angels on earth to help guide me through. Perhaps I will be used as an angel to help guide someone else through this thing we call life. Perhaps...

Can you keep a secret?

I thought the hardest thing about going into ministry was going to be keeping secrets. Sometimes it would be information to the congregation and sometimes about the congregation. I expected that people would just tell me things and I would have to learn to swallow it or just let it roll off my shoulders like water on teflon. I have since learned I was wrong. The thing about other people's secrets is that they were never mine to begin with. I never had to wrestle with the decisions surrounding them. I can lighten the burden for a while, but I will never completely take it.

What I have discovered about ministry is this, the hardest thing about it is knowing people feel they have to keep secrets from you. I took it for granted that people would tell me things. They don't have to do it. In the past week, many people I know have shared very personal things with me. I won't betray their trust by listing them here, but they were carrying heavy burdens along with the burden of guilt or shame. It wasn't that these people didn't really trust me - they didn't want to be vulnerable and be hurt in the most sensitive spot. And yet, I hurt. I hurt because they felt they had to go it alone. I feel bad that situations had to come to a point where they could no longer hide the truth and then told me. It's not that I feel betrayed - that's not it at all. I just wish they didn't feel they had to carry the burden alone.

I'm not one to hide much in my life. For better or worse, I lay it all out there for people to see. Some come to me because they know I will understand. Some seize the opportunity to strike me at the heart of what hurts. Some will look at it all and simply walk away. I have a greater appreciation for those who practice a more cautious approach to sharing their lives. It's not a matter of courage. I am no more courageous than anyone else. What I have learned is that by holding back there is a deeper sense of intimacy. When only a few, as opposed to many, know a core part of you, they sense how deep a connection is there.

To my many friends - the ones I know, and the ones I have yet to meet - thank you for all that you share with me. If I have not helped ease your burden, I am ready to help when you are ready. I only hope that you don't feel you have to carry it alone.

Give a little bit...

I've been spending my Spring Break in Turkey. I'm now on day 6 here. It's been a very interesting experience to visit all these amazing sites of historical, religious and archaeological importance.

Another side of what I have been learning is the view of Christianity. I am in a Muslim country, and it's not "en vogue" to be a Christian. Now, I'm not exactly a minority here. Yes, I'm a minority in this country, but I still belong the largest religion in the world. There is still a reason to fear me, and they do to some extent.

I have had to put away all my sweatshirts and t-shirts that say "theology" on them because it gives an impression that I am here to make converts. I hadn't even thought of the implications of wearing it when I was packing - I'm so used to wearing it all the time. (And I do wear it all the time, as my classmates will attest.) They are an extension of who I am. Yet, in the interest of research and goodwill, I put them away and only wear them in my room or at the library - never between the two places.

The hardest one for me was my necklace. The first day I wore a shirt in which my necklace could be seen, I didn't even realize you could see my cross. The next day, I made the decision not to take it off. There was just something too difficult about taking it off me. I hardly notice when it's there, but I most certainly know when it's gone. It's a big part of who I am. I don't need to be overt about it, but giving up the small things is really hard.

I still struggle with this right now - 6 days into the journey. How do I balance being a good guest of a country while being a good representative of my faith? I have a greater appreciation for what St. Paul had to do in setting up and maintaining his churches in the Aegean region. I better understand what he means about being "all things to all people." (1 Cor 9:22) He's trying to answer the very same question I'm struggling with right now... he's trying to fit in while witnessing by presence. (However, I am not here with an intention of making converts.)

I'm not sure how to navigate these two desires, but I am figuring out how to make the banks. I respect the host country and its primary religion by not being brash or brazen about my faith. I respect my beliefs by maintaining core elements to my faith - private devotion and my necklace - the symbol of my faith. I listen to Mark's teaching that I should do things in secret and not boast about them - my Abba knows what I am doing, and that is sufficient. (paraphrase)

What's most important about this journey is not that I find an answer, but I become comfortable with the tension in the question.

Incompatible!

I am a very good Methodist. I ordered my brand-new Book of Discipline almost as soon as I could. I waited with eager anticipation to receive it. I decided to ecological and get the CD-ROM version, which also includes the Book of Resolutions - and I don't know anyone who gets excited about that one! When it finally came today I had to restrain myself from opening it until I got home. There it was! My brand-new 2008 Book of Discipline!

I turned the box over to read all the wonderfully over-inflated descriptions about what it contained. And then all my excitement was deflated. It listed all the operating systems on which it would run: Windows, windows, windows, windows. I have a Mac. ugh. Because I had made a decision 2 years ago to buy a Mac I could not enjoy my new Book. (Under copyright laws, if I remove the outer plastic covering, I cannot return it - only exchange, so I didn't bother to "try-and-see".)

Sometimes things in life seem that way - incompatible. we make decisions along the way that we think are right only to be left wondering later on, "Did I make the best one?" In this case, yes, I made the right one. I love my computer - we've been through quite a bit together. I don't understand what the UMC and Cokesbury has against Macs. (I plan to ask tomorrow.) Yet, I can relate to making decisions I thought were right at the time only to question them later.

Sometimes life is incompatible. We meet the right person, but the timing is all off. We get a call from God, but there is work to be done first. We find the dream job, but the experience needed isn't what we have at that time. The CD-ROM just won't run. I trust that God is putting a nudge in us at those times of incompatibility. God says, "Try a little harder; go another route; I have something in mind for you." I like to think that God is asking me to respond. So, I will call Cokesbury and see if it will run on a Mac or if they will send me a hard copy of The Book. I will try a little harder because I know that nothing will separate me from the love of Christ... and the UMC!

Sacred Rest

I am taking a class on the Jewish practice of Sabbath this semester. One of the greatest lessons I am learning is that resting is a sacred event. When done with intention, it's about resting in the arms of God and trusting that everything will be okay.

One of the first things to get over is treating this time as an excuse to be lazy. Nothing that functions as an excuse is sacred... at least I have not seen it yet. Even naps are sacred when they allow the body to rest so the soul can catch up.

It is extremely counter-cultural to say no to work. We are told over and over again that the more productive we are the more valuable we become. Is this really true? Americans work longer hours and weeks during the year, but are we more productive that other countries? My brother lives in an EU country, and he gets 30 days of vacation every year, and that is standard the first year with a company. That country is not suffering from a lack of production or work. So why do we buy into the need to work ourselves nearly to death?

This is where Sabbath can be a life preserver. It almost shouts out, "Stop the world! I want to get off here!" I haven't progressed to having a full 24 hours of rest yet, but I take an hour every day to do nothing. I'll read if it want, but not for class. I'll cook if I want, but nothing too fancy. Sometimes I watch a movie or TV show. The important thing for me is that I allow myself to relax and the freedom for my soul to delight in whatever it feels moved to do. When I'm done - I go back to all the things I need to do with a refreshed energy. Sometimes I discover that I don't really need to do that work, and sometimes I discover my body needed more rest than I had allowed.

That said... I'm off to a nap and then a wonderful day of homework! I hope you find your sacred rest.

Be still and know that I am God - Psalm 46:10

So Close

I love the Disney Movie "Enchanted." The original song "So Close" is my favorite, and I've been listening to it quite a bit tonight. Some of it is because it's Valentine's weekend. All the happy people will be parading through the streets in a parade of love in which I am welcome only as a spectator. However, I'm hoping my leaving the city will help this... praying actually.

The other reason the song is resonating with me right now is because of an internal struggle with which I have been dealing. I felt like I came so close to something real - I was so sure of it - only to have doubt placed in me again. I could make this into a theological treatise about how humankind will fail us, but God keeps God's promise to never abandon it... but I won't. Tonight, I want to be a girl with a broken heart because of an opportunity lost.

I didn't understand the adage about keeping your eyes open for love in the strangest places. How could you not know? How could it be anything than love at first sight. Then "he" walked into my life. I couldn't stand him. I didn't want to share the same air as him. However, a mutual project made us work together.

Through this exchange, I got to know him better. I realized that all the things for which I had asked God in another person he possessed. The friendship deepened, but I felt more. I couldn't tell the other side's position though. Like a middle school girl, I nearly obsessed about it. I would have roller coaster emotions trying to interpret actions or comments. At 30, I still resorted to this - and to sharing the details with a few close friends.

Now, I'm so confused. Ministry changes how one approaches dating and relationships. It's much harder to start and develop them because of the professional boundaries instilled. The perceived rejection is hard enough to take - how is it I'm not good enough... or enough in general? But, the wondering how I could have been so wrong eats away at me too. Could this happen to me again? Could I unknowingly do this to someone else and have a professional issue?

Hearing and following a call from God is tough work, and there have been sacrifices along the way. This one has been the hardest of all to take. I struggle to make sense of it theologically. It's a struggle (in some ways) all of us have, and yet I still look to see where God speaks to this in the Bible. I don't have the answer now - but I hope some day I will know where this leads... or at least find a scripture that provides me comfort on this uncomfortable quest.

The oracles of Jesus

I recently discovered that I wasn't moving forward with a decision because I was "waiting for a sign from God" to tell me which direction was the correct one. Now what struck me about this is this topic recently made me giggle while reading a book on Graeco-Roman cultic practices.

The would try to read the entrails of sacrificed animals for signs from the gods. People went into caves to receive visions, or they went to a professional person to have their dreams interpreted. They wanted to know, "What direction do I take that's most pleasing to the gods?"

Now to be fair, the Bible has plenty of stories like this. The Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) is littered with oracles from the prophets. And dream interpretations? We have that too with the story of Joseph in Egypt.

So, I made fun of it in one "religion" but it's still a part of the history of my own tradition. How do I reconcile this? I answered it for myself by turning to the means of grace - specifically prayer. When I enter into prayer, I am entering into a dialogue with God. Sometimes I do the talking - sometimes I need to be listening. To be sure, I am watching for the signs that God is talking to me, but I'm not looking for God's favor. The instituted means of grace of Eucharist provides comfort for my mind and soul that I am favored by God... and not just me but all of us. God wants all of us to draw closer... those who are "favored" aren't more special, they just respond to the shepherd's call.

So I keep looking for oracles, and I keep trying to figure out my dreams... but it's to walk with Christ and not to win favor.