Love in a time of war

I'm half way though my first unit of CPE. I think of the famous quote, "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times." Sometimes that happens in the same hour. I have residents who push me to the point of frustration, and then I can see the most wonderful act of mercy. It is because of the latter, and a wonderful e-mail I just received, that I write this installment of the blog.

Today, I allowed someone to get under my skin. That's right. I'm going to own my part of the problem. By allowing someone else the controls of my emotions I let myself get upset regarding a situation in which I had actually given up control. I became angry and someone I don't like to see. I slammed my hand against a table and yelled at another person because I didn't feel heard. Who would want to listen to me at that point? Where is this pent up anger coming from? Probably from weeks where I did not assert myself at all.

I tried to talk to him about what had happened, but that didn't go well either. Sometimes people will just not work well together. However, we are all in God's image, and if I allow myself to start hating him I will start hating a part of God. Well, that's not a great option, so I'm going to have to start again.

I need to be more earnest in my prayer. I need God to fill my heart and not empty Him out to allow of other things to fill it. Hate, anger and such are poisons to our souls. Why hold on to them when we have been given grace, mercy and forgiveness by God? Now, I'm not going to run up to this guy and hug him tomorrow. No one hugs a dinosaur until they're sure it's not a carnivore. (Yes, I know they're extinct, but I think it's a good illustration. Plus, I'm sure it made you laugh.) I may need space, but I cannot run away from this. If he wants to be a better minister for this, he cannot run away from this. I can stay away until I have better control of my emotions, but then I must work at it and not say I will. The action and not just a promise must be in place.

Most of all - I need to see God in him. What part of him is hurting so badly that anger is his resort towards people? I may not be able to answer this with him, but I need to start to answer it for myself. Is a part of my hurt meeting with a part of his hurt? That's just all too possible. It's easy to love those who love you, or at least, like you back. Can I love someone who pushes me away and hurts me? Jesus did. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing." I'm willing to bet he had no idea how much I would be hurt by this moment, and I have no idea how much he is hurting. How can I condemn him if I don't know his heart?

Precious Lord, take my hand. I cannot do this alone - I need you. How do I love someone in your image when the images seem to be mirror images? Will you fill my heart the next time we encounter each other so the meeting is peaceful? Will you fill the room we are in?

Your loving servant

The Long Goodbye

So, it's my last day in Boston for the academic year, and I just can't sleep. There's too much on my mind. It was about nine months ago that I was sitting on a couch, crying, and thinking I'll never be able to do this. It's too far away and it's just too big. Now, I'm lying on a couch in my friends' apartment thinking how can I go home when I feel like I'm there?

Boston has become a home to me. It's odd to think, but I discovered it was home when I didn't need the MBTA.com to figure out how to get where I wanted to go. People would ask me for directions, and I'd actually be able to give them! I also have amazing friends here. I feel so blessed to know I will come back to greet them for two more years. They will be scattered across the country and literally across the globe, but we will always have BU in common.

I have lived and loved here. My heart has been broken, and it has been mended too. Times have been tough, but doors have been opened to me as well. It's great to feel like something really wonderful is just beyond the horizon, and then it actually comes in to focus as I continue walking towards it. There is nothing easy about your first year of seminary, but if you can survive it, it's totally worth every tear and late night. God's blessings on those who enter their first year in the fall. I've been there before, and I'll be with you then.

It's nearly 4am, and I'm wide awake. First I have to say that I took a nap earlier in the day, so that messed up the sleeping schedule. I'm also up because I'm trying to write a paper for my introduction to theology course. I have decided that staring at a computer screen is not going to get the paper written, so I'm taking a break and writing something else.

General Conference wrapped up this weekend. I like to refer to GC as Methodist Olympics. They meet for nearly two weeks every four years and get some really hefty work done. However, I am concerned about the spiritual health of my church. There is a deep divide on the issue of homosexuality, and the majority vote is not overwhelming. I must be honest in that I do not agree with everything that was said regarding this issue at GC. I will uphold the laws to the best of my conscience, but it is the first time I have ever cried for the health of my church.

Historically, the last time the UMC had such a strong difference of opinion was over slavery, and it physically split. If we don't remain in dialogue I'm afraid it could happen again. One person told me that's why he left the church; I said that's why I can't leave the church. It's my church, and I love it. It's not perfect but John Wesley would be disappointed in us if we just gave up. He wanted everyone to strive for Christian Perfection, and that includes the church as a whole body. Giving up is like failure - it's not an option.

The UMC motto is "Open hearts, open minds, open doors." My Annual Conference motto is, "Live, give, love... beyond all expectations." I look forward to how they will show me to live our those creeds in the midst of resolutions and decisions passed. Some are obvious... some will require time, patience and discernment. I love my church; it is my family, and I will defend it and fight for it because love is always worth the effort and risk.

Some days are going to be like this

Have you ever had a day that just drained you? How about a week that tested the limits of your patience? Since I'm pretty sure you'll say yes, I'll just keep going. How do we get through them? How do we recharge to get ready for the next one? I wish I had the magic answer to these questions.

Here's what I'm learning. Most of the time, for me, when that happens I'm not adhering to at least one of the 10 commandments. I might not have taken a Sabbath to recharge my spirit, but I choose to keep working until it all gets done - knowing full well my work will never be done. I might covet something my neighbor has whether that be a grade, a relationship or a little free time to relax and enjoy. I may have worshiped an idol - money being the most likely to try and pull me away from God.

Now I know I adhere to a good number of them. I don't use the Lord's name in vain. I honor my parent. I have never stolen or committed murder or adultery. However this is not enough. The 10 commandments aren't a game of odds. (Methodists are strictly against gambling, and I would count that as a gamble.) Missing any one of them can lead to an empty life because it is allowing free will to pull us away from God.

So I use this as a part of my daily discerning. Have I kept faithfully with the will of God in my daily life? My goal in doing this in not to work my way into heaven, that is already granted by God's grace, but to live a life more fully in communion with God, and that is the revitalization for which I seek.

Threadbare Fabric

Sometimes, we have things we know are not worth keeping. We have a pair of jeans that finally fit right and feel comfortable, but the knees or seat are just wearing out. We can't bear to be parted from them. They aren't practical; they can't be worn in public, but we keep them anyway.

Why is it that we are so willing to throw away things in our community? Why are relationships disposable? Why do we not fight to keep the fabric of our communities when we notice them becoming threadbare? Why are jeans, which can't be worn outside, held tighter to us instead of people? I'm confused.

Some people are willing to become those broken threads and fade away from existence. Others feel the stress and strain of trying to hold together a receding cloth.

When the chips are down

Networking is an important aspect in our lives. Naturally, we know the career advances that can be made through networking, but our relationships can be enhanced just as well. I have had a few rough days with trying to keep my life in order. I have discovered that the strong wealth of friendships I have has been a real blessing. Each friend has a unique gift, or gifts, that will compliment any lack I may have at one point. How empty my life would be if I walked around feeling that incomplete. Feminism says I shouldn't have a man in my life to complete me, and I agree and may even comment on another day, but relationships in their many forms do create a completeness. That's why God did not design us to live alone but in community with each other. To all the friends out there - thank you for making me a more whole and healthy person. I love you all.

Brother, can you spare a dime?

Almost every week I hear about a new way to help another group of people. I have to admit, I started getting the "giving fatigue." There just seem to be too many places for my time, money and effort to go. How can I ever keep up? I feel like I'm being nickel and dimed to death.

Then I thought, "How dare I accuse God of nickel and dimeing me to death?!?" I talk about how blessed I feel. If I really felt I was blessed, shouldn't I share that wealth? I don't want to be Lazarus where I have everything in this life and nothing in the next.

I think I'm a poor grad student, but really I'm not. I'm able to go to school! I eat every day. I can get on the T and go almost anywhere. I have a place to live that has heat and clean clothes... when I do laundry. I am not poor. I'm not as rich as I want to be, but I'm as rich as I need to be. So, yes, brother, I can spare a dime... even a quarter.