Give a little bit...

I've been spending my Spring Break in Turkey. I'm now on day 6 here. It's been a very interesting experience to visit all these amazing sites of historical, religious and archaeological importance.

Another side of what I have been learning is the view of Christianity. I am in a Muslim country, and it's not "en vogue" to be a Christian. Now, I'm not exactly a minority here. Yes, I'm a minority in this country, but I still belong the largest religion in the world. There is still a reason to fear me, and they do to some extent.

I have had to put away all my sweatshirts and t-shirts that say "theology" on them because it gives an impression that I am here to make converts. I hadn't even thought of the implications of wearing it when I was packing - I'm so used to wearing it all the time. (And I do wear it all the time, as my classmates will attest.) They are an extension of who I am. Yet, in the interest of research and goodwill, I put them away and only wear them in my room or at the library - never between the two places.

The hardest one for me was my necklace. The first day I wore a shirt in which my necklace could be seen, I didn't even realize you could see my cross. The next day, I made the decision not to take it off. There was just something too difficult about taking it off me. I hardly notice when it's there, but I most certainly know when it's gone. It's a big part of who I am. I don't need to be overt about it, but giving up the small things is really hard.

I still struggle with this right now - 6 days into the journey. How do I balance being a good guest of a country while being a good representative of my faith? I have a greater appreciation for what St. Paul had to do in setting up and maintaining his churches in the Aegean region. I better understand what he means about being "all things to all people." (1 Cor 9:22) He's trying to answer the very same question I'm struggling with right now... he's trying to fit in while witnessing by presence. (However, I am not here with an intention of making converts.)

I'm not sure how to navigate these two desires, but I am figuring out how to make the banks. I respect the host country and its primary religion by not being brash or brazen about my faith. I respect my beliefs by maintaining core elements to my faith - private devotion and my necklace - the symbol of my faith. I listen to Mark's teaching that I should do things in secret and not boast about them - my Abba knows what I am doing, and that is sufficient. (paraphrase)

What's most important about this journey is not that I find an answer, but I become comfortable with the tension in the question.

Incompatible!

I am a very good Methodist. I ordered my brand-new Book of Discipline almost as soon as I could. I waited with eager anticipation to receive it. I decided to ecological and get the CD-ROM version, which also includes the Book of Resolutions - and I don't know anyone who gets excited about that one! When it finally came today I had to restrain myself from opening it until I got home. There it was! My brand-new 2008 Book of Discipline!

I turned the box over to read all the wonderfully over-inflated descriptions about what it contained. And then all my excitement was deflated. It listed all the operating systems on which it would run: Windows, windows, windows, windows. I have a Mac. ugh. Because I had made a decision 2 years ago to buy a Mac I could not enjoy my new Book. (Under copyright laws, if I remove the outer plastic covering, I cannot return it - only exchange, so I didn't bother to "try-and-see".)

Sometimes things in life seem that way - incompatible. we make decisions along the way that we think are right only to be left wondering later on, "Did I make the best one?" In this case, yes, I made the right one. I love my computer - we've been through quite a bit together. I don't understand what the UMC and Cokesbury has against Macs. (I plan to ask tomorrow.) Yet, I can relate to making decisions I thought were right at the time only to question them later.

Sometimes life is incompatible. We meet the right person, but the timing is all off. We get a call from God, but there is work to be done first. We find the dream job, but the experience needed isn't what we have at that time. The CD-ROM just won't run. I trust that God is putting a nudge in us at those times of incompatibility. God says, "Try a little harder; go another route; I have something in mind for you." I like to think that God is asking me to respond. So, I will call Cokesbury and see if it will run on a Mac or if they will send me a hard copy of The Book. I will try a little harder because I know that nothing will separate me from the love of Christ... and the UMC!

Sacred Rest

I am taking a class on the Jewish practice of Sabbath this semester. One of the greatest lessons I am learning is that resting is a sacred event. When done with intention, it's about resting in the arms of God and trusting that everything will be okay.

One of the first things to get over is treating this time as an excuse to be lazy. Nothing that functions as an excuse is sacred... at least I have not seen it yet. Even naps are sacred when they allow the body to rest so the soul can catch up.

It is extremely counter-cultural to say no to work. We are told over and over again that the more productive we are the more valuable we become. Is this really true? Americans work longer hours and weeks during the year, but are we more productive that other countries? My brother lives in an EU country, and he gets 30 days of vacation every year, and that is standard the first year with a company. That country is not suffering from a lack of production or work. So why do we buy into the need to work ourselves nearly to death?

This is where Sabbath can be a life preserver. It almost shouts out, "Stop the world! I want to get off here!" I haven't progressed to having a full 24 hours of rest yet, but I take an hour every day to do nothing. I'll read if it want, but not for class. I'll cook if I want, but nothing too fancy. Sometimes I watch a movie or TV show. The important thing for me is that I allow myself to relax and the freedom for my soul to delight in whatever it feels moved to do. When I'm done - I go back to all the things I need to do with a refreshed energy. Sometimes I discover that I don't really need to do that work, and sometimes I discover my body needed more rest than I had allowed.

That said... I'm off to a nap and then a wonderful day of homework! I hope you find your sacred rest.

Be still and know that I am God - Psalm 46:10

So Close

I love the Disney Movie "Enchanted." The original song "So Close" is my favorite, and I've been listening to it quite a bit tonight. Some of it is because it's Valentine's weekend. All the happy people will be parading through the streets in a parade of love in which I am welcome only as a spectator. However, I'm hoping my leaving the city will help this... praying actually.

The other reason the song is resonating with me right now is because of an internal struggle with which I have been dealing. I felt like I came so close to something real - I was so sure of it - only to have doubt placed in me again. I could make this into a theological treatise about how humankind will fail us, but God keeps God's promise to never abandon it... but I won't. Tonight, I want to be a girl with a broken heart because of an opportunity lost.

I didn't understand the adage about keeping your eyes open for love in the strangest places. How could you not know? How could it be anything than love at first sight. Then "he" walked into my life. I couldn't stand him. I didn't want to share the same air as him. However, a mutual project made us work together.

Through this exchange, I got to know him better. I realized that all the things for which I had asked God in another person he possessed. The friendship deepened, but I felt more. I couldn't tell the other side's position though. Like a middle school girl, I nearly obsessed about it. I would have roller coaster emotions trying to interpret actions or comments. At 30, I still resorted to this - and to sharing the details with a few close friends.

Now, I'm so confused. Ministry changes how one approaches dating and relationships. It's much harder to start and develop them because of the professional boundaries instilled. The perceived rejection is hard enough to take - how is it I'm not good enough... or enough in general? But, the wondering how I could have been so wrong eats away at me too. Could this happen to me again? Could I unknowingly do this to someone else and have a professional issue?

Hearing and following a call from God is tough work, and there have been sacrifices along the way. This one has been the hardest of all to take. I struggle to make sense of it theologically. It's a struggle (in some ways) all of us have, and yet I still look to see where God speaks to this in the Bible. I don't have the answer now - but I hope some day I will know where this leads... or at least find a scripture that provides me comfort on this uncomfortable quest.

The oracles of Jesus

I recently discovered that I wasn't moving forward with a decision because I was "waiting for a sign from God" to tell me which direction was the correct one. Now what struck me about this is this topic recently made me giggle while reading a book on Graeco-Roman cultic practices.

The would try to read the entrails of sacrificed animals for signs from the gods. People went into caves to receive visions, or they went to a professional person to have their dreams interpreted. They wanted to know, "What direction do I take that's most pleasing to the gods?"

Now to be fair, the Bible has plenty of stories like this. The Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) is littered with oracles from the prophets. And dream interpretations? We have that too with the story of Joseph in Egypt.

So, I made fun of it in one "religion" but it's still a part of the history of my own tradition. How do I reconcile this? I answered it for myself by turning to the means of grace - specifically prayer. When I enter into prayer, I am entering into a dialogue with God. Sometimes I do the talking - sometimes I need to be listening. To be sure, I am watching for the signs that God is talking to me, but I'm not looking for God's favor. The instituted means of grace of Eucharist provides comfort for my mind and soul that I am favored by God... and not just me but all of us. God wants all of us to draw closer... those who are "favored" aren't more special, they just respond to the shepherd's call.

So I keep looking for oracles, and I keep trying to figure out my dreams... but it's to walk with Christ and not to win favor.

A letter to myself

Oddly enough, we were encouraged to write letters of spiritual guidance to ourselves. I will be brave enough to post mine here...

Dear Self,

I thank God for the time I have had in getting to know you. You have been open with me, and now I pray that you will lovingly receive these words from me.

Your concerns seem focused on future events, but do you know how often those things will happen? There is some validity to keeping your "eyes on the prize," but what is the prize you hope to achieve? You appear to go from one goal to then next - never really resting in satisfaction for more than a moment. Continue on with plans for graduation, papers, projects, ministry work, but don't forget that Jesus is seeking closer union with you. Seeking a closer union with him should be your goal too.

You care for others, but how do you care for yourself? I noticed that you are eating better and exercising more. I applaud you for this, and I'm sure it's making a difference. However, don't neglect your soul. The classroom should not be the only place to think about it. The soul is not an academic case study - it's a living part of the Living Word, and it can only be know by spending time with it. I cannot plead more soundly that you find a way to connect with it every day. Remember when you were a child and could not keep from smiling? That kind of joy is still within you.

As for love - it is a great concern for many people. Hold steadfast where you are. By this, I do not mean be stubborn and keep people out. I mean for you to stay true to who you are and not change to find love from another. If you are unhappy with yourself, read the paragraph above once again. You have come to understand love as a companionship instead of a completion of a project, and this understanding serves you well. What I delight in hearing is that this definition of love allows you to expand it to more than one person at one time. Do not worry too much about having "one love" in your life - your life is made up of so much more than one other person. And do you really believe that you can possess the love of one person? Does that not take away its beauty as a gift?

Until we speak next - be kind unto yourself. Your loving God is with you always and whispering words of comfort. Be silent and still - whisper words in prayer and listen to hear the response.

The sleet lay on the ground; the T was late...

There's a certain sigh of relief when the last exam is turned in. This semester, the relief literally brought me to tears. In the previous seven days, I used up everything I had, and I was running on fumes. It was one of those times when you realize why God rested on the seventh day. I now had time to visit friends and do things I had been putting off - like laundry and sleep!

After spending an afternoon with a good friend, I made my way through the accumulated snow and the falling sleet towards the Green Line T. I was blessed to watch it pull away with happy passengers. Instead of just waiting for the next one, I walked to the next T stop. I figured it was better to keep moving that stand still and wait. It was about 34 degrees out, so the movement would keep me warm. I forgot that the snow was hiding the vast aquifers on the street, and I was wearing tennis shoes. By the time the T came, my feet were soaked, and my toes were cold.

I was a little more than happy that the train I was riding decided to run express. This meant I should get home a little faster because we would be moving past about 4 stops. However, the joy was short-lived. The car was having trouble maintaining power because ice accumulated on the cables powering the car. I had never heard a train so quiet as that one. People were listening to the conversation between the driver and central command. When we pulled into our stop, we could not start again. I have to give props to the driver - he did everything he could to try and start it again while keeping us warm.

Here's where the unexpected joy came. A number of people came on the train ... only to have to get off and wait again. However, they were filled with a certain joy. They had not been through the past 5 minute experience we had, so they didn't have the same fear or confusion. They were just grateful to be out of the cold. They were cracking jokes and having a good time. I really don't remember the jokes, but I remember my whole demeanor changing. I even started to joke with them. If you haven't spent much time in Boston you may not realize this, but that is a very rare thing to have happen - especially on public transportation. I ended walking the 3-4 blocks home from that stop, and I encountered at least 5 puddles, which soaked my socks to a level not previously know, but I was in good spirits.

Sometimes, letting people in to your life, who don't know all the circumstances, can be liberating. They can give you a fresh version of what's going on, and you may even laugh about it. Smiles, like love, are contagious... it's a bug worth catching.

Oh... and I'm finding rubber boots tomorrow.