Seeking something more

I've been silent on this blog for a long time. There's a pretty good reason for that. This blog was to chronicle my path through seminary on a spiritual journey to ordination. I thought that taking the ordinary and looking at it in extraordinary ways would not only help me find God everywhere, but it might help other people find God too.

I did not realize that I would end up in the place I am right now - full of "dis." Disenfranchised, disillusioned, dispair... which all led to being disaffiliated. It's pretty hard to start off this path willing to lay my life down for God and church and end up in a place where it's hard for me to walk in the doors. To proclaim to someone that I'm not even sure God cares about me anymore. So why do it? I'm not alone out there. This message is for anyone else who has been delayed or discontinued from ordination; this message is for anyone who has been hurt by the church and now wants nothing to do with it. I understand. You are not alone anymore.

I'm not going to try and change your mind. Nothing short of a Saul/Paul conversion by God could change your mind in the short span of this blog, and I do not have that spiritual gift. No, I will let you know that I, too, am desperately seeking God. I feel like Saul right now. I used to hear God's voice, but it seems to have gone silent... and all these Davids around me hear him now. I know I'm not the only one, and sometimes the Church is the last place we can find each other. Who wants to admit they are having struggles with God at church?!?

For those of you struggling with the ordination process, don't do it alone. I have been reminded many times in the past few weeks that "the Church is not the Kingdom." One clergyman even remarked that sometimes we desperately want them to be in sync, but we need to remember they are not one and the same. Christ may be the head of the church, but the church is not Christ.

For those who are hurting and cannot pray, would you ask someone to pray for you? I have some wonderful people in my life who have prayed for me (in silence and in front of me), and they have offered to do it until well after I can do it for myself again. This isn't a magic bullet, but there is something powerful in knowing that those who I believe God listens to are intervening on my behalf. If I don't think God is listening to me, I'm pretty sure God will listen to them. In this process, I am not alone in my grief. I start to feel love again. It's slow, and it is cautious, but it does come.

If you know someone who feels like this - don't stop asking questions. Don't stop being the light and love of God for them. You may be there for such a time as this. You may save someone spiritually or physically. The perceived loss of God's love and/or favor is a powerful this, and it can make a very dark time seem even darker. This is not to say you should do it all on your own - seek help when you get that "funny feeling" or if it seems over your head. But, do listen. Don't give answers. When you open your mouth to speak, be surprised at the profundity of your answers. There are angels among us, and this just might be your turn to wear wings.

If you need someone to talk to - I'm here. I don't have answers. I don't always have hope. I do know a little bit about what you're experiencing, and you should not feel like you're alone because you're not. Maybe together we can find God again. I'm sure it's not like finding Waldo, but it still might have the same sense of joy and wonder along the way.