I'm up late at night trying to find a prayer. The trouble is, I don't know for what I should pray. I know my prayers can have more than one thought - just like praying for one person, but I still don't know what's on my heart.
I know what my fears are, and I know I have burdens. I trust that I have done the best I can to avoid harm, and if I caused it, I trust I found it in time to seek forgiveness. My fears are not just for me, they are for others too. I wonder what plagues them so that they feel trapped or cornered and must fight for their lives. I wonder if they feel lonely. I wonder if I could have helped but walked on by, never noticing the burden.
I start to think of others who have power. In the midst of a heated health care debate, how do the people in charge find a way to sleep at night? Do they sleep well because they are comfortable and do not trouble themselves if others are in need? Do they sleep well because they have done all they can and worrying won't make it better? Do they sleep poorly because they wonder how they could make it better? Do they sleep at all because they wonder if the world will reject the message they have to bring?
Since I am writing this at midnight, I am clearly not in the first two... the question remains, which one am I in? I want to lay my burden down, but I keep questioning what more I could have done. I keep replaying scenes in my head looking for ways people could have been hurt. There are no stories about Jesus going to sleep. It's mentioned that he is tired; I even think it mentions that he did sleep. Most of the sleeping happens with the disciples, and Mark documents it best. Jesus carried a great weight on his shoulders, and I have no idea when or how he slept... a very basic function of the body.
I know who I am and what I have to give to the world. I know it will not always be accepted with open arms. I guess in light of all of this my prayer is that those who reject the message I bring do so in respect and without ill will... I will strive to do the same in bringing the message forth.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Road rage without a car
If I ever wanted to dedicate a blog to the mysteries of driving in Boston, "Road Rage Without a Car" would be the title of it. However, this blog posting is dedicated to those people who drive us up a wall. You know, the people, for no good reason, seem to get under our skin and bring us to teenage levels of gossip and loathing.
Sex and the City coined the term "frenemy." This is supposed to be a friend but is based upon being enemies. This term has me think of Newman from "Seinfeld" or the relationship between Karen and Grace (well Karen and anyone really) on "Will & Grace." There are sweet and tender moments but they are also met with moments of sheer anger, frustration and cutting sarcasm. Sad, but this is a grown-up version of what I saw in middle school. Somehow, we take what was acceptable back then and dress it up for the after party.
Today I was reminded about the pain of others. Sometimes I'm so busy finding the way out of my own hurt and anger that's hard to see it parallels someone else's. We're walking side by side and yet fighting each other instead of helping. My own hurt and anger came rushing out in a desperate attempt to name the pain. In the process, I realized we're not so far from each other as we would have ourselves believe.
What I also discovered in this process is that it is up to me to get through the pain and find a way to love. It is not up to anyone else to do it for me. It's in this moment I need to seek out Jesus to come a little closer to me. I need to seek out respite from a storm of emotions and thoughts. Jesus is just waiting for me to ask for directions... my own GPS on this crazy road trip. Life isn't supposed to be filled with rage. I'm not supposed to speed up to hit the massive potholes. I'm also not supposed to speed up for the bumps. It worked on the Dukes of Hazzard, but not for me.
People are like speed bumps... stay with me here on this. We are supposed to approach with caution. If we go too fast, irreparable damage can be done to both. If we avoid them all together, we miss out on slowing down and catching some of the more interesting aspects of life. (You can't tell me that what you see in front of a grocery or department store isn't interesting on a Saturday afternoon!) Each one us us has felt like part of a journey but also a little run over. The balance is getting to where I need to go without running over people along the way. Slowing down helps that.
I don't have a solution... I'm not even sure I articulated a problem. I just know I needed to think this out in my own haphazard way to prevent driving too fast over a speed bump and find out I lost my muffler in the process.
Sex and the City coined the term "frenemy." This is supposed to be a friend but is based upon being enemies. This term has me think of Newman from "Seinfeld" or the relationship between Karen and Grace (well Karen and anyone really) on "Will & Grace." There are sweet and tender moments but they are also met with moments of sheer anger, frustration and cutting sarcasm. Sad, but this is a grown-up version of what I saw in middle school. Somehow, we take what was acceptable back then and dress it up for the after party.
Today I was reminded about the pain of others. Sometimes I'm so busy finding the way out of my own hurt and anger that's hard to see it parallels someone else's. We're walking side by side and yet fighting each other instead of helping. My own hurt and anger came rushing out in a desperate attempt to name the pain. In the process, I realized we're not so far from each other as we would have ourselves believe.
What I also discovered in this process is that it is up to me to get through the pain and find a way to love. It is not up to anyone else to do it for me. It's in this moment I need to seek out Jesus to come a little closer to me. I need to seek out respite from a storm of emotions and thoughts. Jesus is just waiting for me to ask for directions... my own GPS on this crazy road trip. Life isn't supposed to be filled with rage. I'm not supposed to speed up to hit the massive potholes. I'm also not supposed to speed up for the bumps. It worked on the Dukes of Hazzard, but not for me.
People are like speed bumps... stay with me here on this. We are supposed to approach with caution. If we go too fast, irreparable damage can be done to both. If we avoid them all together, we miss out on slowing down and catching some of the more interesting aspects of life. (You can't tell me that what you see in front of a grocery or department store isn't interesting on a Saturday afternoon!) Each one us us has felt like part of a journey but also a little run over. The balance is getting to where I need to go without running over people along the way. Slowing down helps that.
I don't have a solution... I'm not even sure I articulated a problem. I just know I needed to think this out in my own haphazard way to prevent driving too fast over a speed bump and find out I lost my muffler in the process.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
This is a day of new beginnings
For many of us at BU, today is the first day of classes. For me, it's the first of lasts. I'm trying not to be too sentimental about it. It's the last time (until next semester) I will experience the thrill and nerves of having a first day of class.
What makes this day even more special is that it marks the bridge of where I am and where I want to be. In this year, I will experience more in my field ed. than I can ever imagine. Everything I have learned at this point will be used in some fashion or another. I got from being student to being student chaplain - in a way that is different from CPE. Yes, I feel like I am becoming who I've always wanted to be but never had the courage to become.
I'd like to say a prayer for all those who are experiencing new beginnings. Whether it's starting a new class, speaking English for 24 hours straight, living in a new country or a new culture. I hope the excitement of possibilities overshadows the nerves and doubt. With a deep breath, allow the Pneuma to fill us and restore us. May every lesson taught, and learned, bring us closer to each other and to the most holy one as well.
What makes this day even more special is that it marks the bridge of where I am and where I want to be. In this year, I will experience more in my field ed. than I can ever imagine. Everything I have learned at this point will be used in some fashion or another. I got from being student to being student chaplain - in a way that is different from CPE. Yes, I feel like I am becoming who I've always wanted to be but never had the courage to become.
I'd like to say a prayer for all those who are experiencing new beginnings. Whether it's starting a new class, speaking English for 24 hours straight, living in a new country or a new culture. I hope the excitement of possibilities overshadows the nerves and doubt. With a deep breath, allow the Pneuma to fill us and restore us. May every lesson taught, and learned, bring us closer to each other and to the most holy one as well.
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