I'm half way though my first unit of CPE. I think of the famous quote, "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times." Sometimes that happens in the same hour. I have residents who push me to the point of frustration, and then I can see the most wonderful act of mercy. It is because of the latter, and a wonderful e-mail I just received, that I write this installment of the blog.
Today, I allowed someone to get under my skin. That's right. I'm going to own my part of the problem. By allowing someone else the controls of my emotions I let myself get upset regarding a situation in which I had actually given up control. I became angry and someone I don't like to see. I slammed my hand against a table and yelled at another person because I didn't feel heard. Who would want to listen to me at that point? Where is this pent up anger coming from? Probably from weeks where I did not assert myself at all.
I tried to talk to him about what had happened, but that didn't go well either. Sometimes people will just not work well together. However, we are all in God's image, and if I allow myself to start hating him I will start hating a part of God. Well, that's not a great option, so I'm going to have to start again.
I need to be more earnest in my prayer. I need God to fill my heart and not empty Him out to allow of other things to fill it. Hate, anger and such are poisons to our souls. Why hold on to them when we have been given grace, mercy and forgiveness by God? Now, I'm not going to run up to this guy and hug him tomorrow. No one hugs a dinosaur until they're sure it's not a carnivore. (Yes, I know they're extinct, but I think it's a good illustration. Plus, I'm sure it made you laugh.) I may need space, but I cannot run away from this. If he wants to be a better minister for this, he cannot run away from this. I can stay away until I have better control of my emotions, but then I must work at it and not say I will. The action and not just a promise must be in place.
Most of all - I need to see God in him. What part of him is hurting so badly that anger is his resort towards people? I may not be able to answer this with him, but I need to start to answer it for myself. Is a part of my hurt meeting with a part of his hurt? That's just all too possible. It's easy to love those who love you, or at least, like you back. Can I love someone who pushes me away and hurts me? Jesus did. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing." I'm willing to bet he had no idea how much I would be hurt by this moment, and I have no idea how much he is hurting. How can I condemn him if I don't know his heart?
Precious Lord, take my hand. I cannot do this alone - I need you. How do I love someone in your image when the images seem to be mirror images? Will you fill my heart the next time we encounter each other so the meeting is peaceful? Will you fill the room we are in?
Your loving servant
